An Unofficial Motto
by Erisah Mae
Summary: Or: Why Shikaku is pretty sure that Itachi has no relation to the Nara Clan. An Omake from Yet Mad I am Not. A really stupid one. I'm sorry.


_Omake: Why Nara Shikaku is sure that Itachi doesn't have Nara blood._

It had been a long, stressful day, ended by a long, stupid meeting, and so the Hokage and the Jounin Commander had decided to go out drinking at their favourite dive, the Drunken Toad. They sat down at the bar, and ordered up some hot sake.

Desperate to talk about _anything_ other than the depressing day of work he had just had, Minato cast upon the first random subject he could think of as a topic of conversation.

And even better, this topic might needle Shikaku.

Excellent.

"So, Uchiha Itachi," Minato said without preamble. "Obvious genius, despite the fact that he doesn't apply himself. In fact, some might say that he's a lazy..."

"Let me stop you right there," Shikaku interrupted, shaking his head hard enough that his pony tail flopped about. "No Nara would marry an Uchiha." He sounded certain.

Minato didn't bother to ask Shikaku if he knew the basic history of _every_ Nara clansperson for the past three generations. Nara Shikaku was not exactly the sort of man who forgot about random cousins, even the ones that existed out of wedlock.

"What about an affair then?" Minato asked, curious.

"No," Shikaku had shaken his head again. "No way. No how."

Minato had cocked his head in confusion. "How can you be so sure?"

"Unofficial family motto."

Minato just waited patiently.

Shikaku sighed. "I'm well aware of who you have been spending your off hours with, and I like my balls attached, so no, I'm not telling you."

Minato raised one blonde eyebrow.

Challenge accepted.

Two hours later, Inoichi and Chouza had joined them. (Where one InoShikaCho appeared, the rest were quick to follow. Outside of Konoha, that was a warning. Inside of Konoha, Minato just found it both convenient and very secretly, almost adorable.) Shikaku was comfortably soused, Chouza was barely tipsy, and Inoichi, despite being the last of them to have turned up, had managed to get schloshed to the point of using the bar to prop himself up.

(Minato didn't ask. Chances were, whatever it was would cross his desk in a report tomorrow anyway, and he was off-duty for the moment.)

Minato waited until Shikaku stepped away to go piss, checked to see that he had actually gone, and then immediately turned to Chouza. (Inoichi might be as schloshed as a salamander, but he _did_ work for Torture and Interrogation. Even drunk, there was little chance of Minato wheedling information out of him.)

"Soooooo," Minato said, playing up his level of inebriation.

The Akimichi grinned. "What?"

Minato took that as an indication that Chouza was in a mood to be entertained.

Perfect.

"What's the Nara family unofficial motto?" he asked bluntly. (There was no point playing coy here. They were all comrades and S-ranked shinobi. It was common courtesy not to treat one another like idiots or marks.)

Chouza's eyebrows raised. "Why do you want to know?"

Minato, Kage-level poker face intact, just waited.

Chouza flapped one thick-fingered hand at him and snorted. "It's less of a motto, and more of a golden rule." He raised an eyebrow. "I assume Shikaku had a good reason for not telling you what it is, so I should probably not throw one of my closest friends and team-mates under the caravan."

"I'll pay your bar-tab tonight," Minato bribed.

"One week," Chouza bargained.

"Three days," Minato retorted.

"Sold!" Chouza grinned. And then proceeded to rat out one of his closest friends and team-mates in a low whisper into his Hokage's ear whilst the other one sat back and cackled.

"Ah," said Minato, when the Akimichi had finished speaking.

He mulled the information over. The "motto" was crude, succinct, and ultimately logical. He supposed he could intellectually see why the Nara Clan followed the maxim, but...

He shrugged. "Eh, his loss."

Inoichi blinked. "Huh."

Minato just smirked, and left the bar.

Inoichi turned to look at Chouza, and repeated, "Huh?"

Chouza snorted. "Inoichi, I know you've had too much sochu, but honestly, who did Minato marry?"

Inoichi blinked. "Huh." He swallowed another gulp of his drink and pulled a full sentence together. "At least he's self-aware?"

"What are we talking about?" Shikaku said, returning to the bar.

Chouza waggled his eyebrows at Shikaku, and then turned to the bar tender. "Another round for me and my comrades. This shout is on me."

Shikaku paused. "What. Did you do."

Chouza's grin widened to show a hint of canine. "Shouldn't have let it get back to Kimiko that I needed to ask you for help with her anniversary present. Oh, and the next three days' bar tab is on the Hokage."

"Shit." Shikaku paled.

"I wouldn't worry Shika," Inoichi slurred. "Minato knows how to keep secrets. He's a Kage," he hiccupped, "it's part of the job description."

"Inoichi," Shikaku said slowly, "our Hokage is currently in a relationship with the Uchiha Clan Head," he muttered through gritted teeth.

Inoichi blinked slowly at him.

And then threw back his head and started laughing.

Shikaku glared at Chouza.

Chouza threw up his hands, "Hey, I'm not the one telling him of the existence of the unofficial Nara Clan motto! That's all on you. I just decided to cut the bullshit and tell him before he used the hat to terrify one of your younger Clansmen."

"Start running now!" Inoichi howled, banging his hand against the bar.

"You Nara men always did specialise in the backhanded compliment," came a voice from directly behind Shikaku.

The three men went perfectly still.

"Y-Yoshino, d-darling…" Shikaku stuttered. "How long have you been standing there?"

Shikaku's wife smiled beatifically, in a way that made all three of the seasoned jounin cringe.

"If it's all the same to you, _dear_ ," (Shikaku flinched at Yoshino's tone,) "when it comes time to pass on this wisdom to our son, I would prefer it if you chose less offensive phrasing." She scowled. "I don't know where he's picking up his misogynistic tendencies, (and when I find out, someone is going to be _very sorry,_ ) but I _absolutely_ won't have you encouraging them, are we clear?"

Shikaku nodded hurriedly.

Inoichi, perhaps spurred on by grain-alcohol inspired bravado, hazarded a comment.

"I… can't help but note that you did not disagree with the _premise_ of the 'motto'," he hazarded.

Yoshino rolled her eyes. "Honestly boys. 'Don't put your dick in crazy' is just common sense."

She beckoned imperiously to Shikaku, and with the air of a man going to his own execution, he followed her out the door.

Inoichi looked at Chouza and shrugged. "I'll drink to that."

And if all three of them made a point of cautiously avoiding Uchiha Mikoto for the next few months well…

That was just common sense too.

...

 _A/N: Yeah, honestly? Don't ask where this came from._


End file.
